Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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