Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
