I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
two words: eviction party
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
