I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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