i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
