I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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