I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
