All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
