It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
