I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
