Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize