The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
