Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Randomize
