i just wanna soil my oats bro
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
