awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
