so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
