the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
