dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
