he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
