Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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