My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
