I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
