I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sober January is a disaster.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
