he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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