Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
