sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Randomize
