The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
