"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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