The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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