Is it normal to miss your booty call?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
