The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
