You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
