So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
