You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
there is glitter all over my balls
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