At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
