Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
