There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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