Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
