Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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