Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
