no more duck duck goose at the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize