And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
