there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
