Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
