Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
