My liver just broke up with me...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
