I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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