Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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