I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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