between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
