pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize