Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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