Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
