Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
