she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
