those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I need a beard to bite.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
