my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
