So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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