I met the friendliest cop last night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
