Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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